Hello,
It is currently 12:54AM. My last post was over half a decade ago. I am now 22 years old. I have found a lot of things about myself in the latter half of 2020 and now it is approaching end of 2021. I am shocked, but pleasantly surprised.
Last time I heard from myself was back when I hadn’t even graduated high school. I won’t know who this reaches or what entails for me, but for the first time years…I almost feel at peace.
Some background of the last few years is this: I went to community college, went to get my bachelors..now I work a full-time job in finance with a small stint in tax and a PR internship. But that does not define the person I am, only my work experiences.
I came back today to talk about a realization that can only be written to the unknown. I won’t know if anyone see’s this, I won’t know who see’s this, all I know is that by writing it out, it will give me solace in my heart. The truth is, I felt so alone the last few years, from after I turned 17 and a half. It has taken me almost 5 years to realize a simple truth and to solve the mystery of why I felt so alone. I battled myself through my adolescence. I was my own enemy. I berated myself whenever I wanted something or felt like I had to get something done. I was sold, sold on the idea that social media presented me on a silver platter. I saw the hustle culture, how hard everyone was working. I felt like I needed to do that and be that in order to succeed, to fill in the holes in the shoes that my parents had never paved out for me. I was so angry, bitter, unkempt to the others who did not feel the same way as me. It stemmed from me as a child who was immensely insecure of her downfalls. She did not feel good enough for this world and thus threw herself into work and school, aware of this deep pit within her but unsure of how to solve the issue. I went to school in a beautiful place, but i could not appreciate the beauty. I blinded myself from the small joys life could give me because i was only focused on a couple things, the pursuit of wealth and my obsession with my loneliness. I could go on about this but I ran away to Europe for a few months, seeking solace. Another short story is, I was in an incredibly beautiful place, an island in Greece. I remember it so vividly in my head as I looked out into the ocean as the sunset. I was in awe of the beauty..but deep inside, I felt nothing. Where was the joy I so much wanted and searched for? Was this not the reason why I came here? It made me realize something great…this was not my answer. Even being in one of the most beautiful places, experiencing such beauty did not find me happiness. I did not know, 2-3 years later, that I would understand why.
I struggled this year so much. The reason why is I finally got what I wanted. I got everything I had thought, hoped, dreamed, and wished for. I longed for friendship, especially feminine energy and people in my life. When it came to me, I felt so ecstatic. I did not realize nor understand that 6 months later, this would change dramatically for me. I began to start feeling incredibly empty. I was surrounded, almost bombarded, with loving people. People who adored me and all I had to give them was a piece of my time. Before I knew it, it picked at me like a god plucking a feather out of a dove to determine a soul’s goodness or evil. I was losing sight of the person I was and I was drained. This love I so much wanted in my life, to have friendship, it tore at me. I had so much love to give…but I was beginning to become overstimulated. It was like I was a fruitful baker, I had so much bread to give away..but at the end of the day, I had nothing to eat. I was becoming incredibly empty inside. I actually found myself more unhappy than I had ever been. Coupled by a terrible relationship starting the new year and a mental breakdown on my 22nd birthday, I finally hit a breaking point which was my ultimate rock bottom. I secluded myself. I ran away under my safety rock to regain strength and regain my energy that I had given away for the last 6-7 months of my new year. When I started to feel better, I wanted to come back, but it was too late. My friends, who I treasured, were angry, bitter that I had left. I understand this, and only have love for everyone in my heart, but it was a sign. The sign that I needed to move on. This gave me the courage to seek out greater truths in my life and I started to really find myself once more. I was already regaining all my energy and taking care of myself. I used to do face masks a lot in college but gave it up because I had gotten too busy with friends. I started them again every week. I went on walks on the ocean, and at first, I felt so lonely seeing everyone together as I only walk alone along the shore. But I kept going…now they make my day. The beautiful ocean, no matter the weather always makes my day. I don’t care sunny or foggy, cold or warm, I see and walk alongside my ocean and it is always so mesmerizing, I am so grateful to experience these things in my life. I started thinking of revisiting old passions, new passions, I started to read, watch videos about life…and I found myself once more. I found the reason why i was never truly happy, I never stopped to truly enjoy the small things in my life. Everywhere there is beauty and everywhere there is so much love. Happiness is not found, it is cultivated. When I walk and see my ocean in the bright and early mornings, the blue sky is enough to bring me so much joy, I could cry from happiness. I have so much love to give, I could not give it away when I felt empty inside. I realize now I had been living a happy, abundant life, but I never stopped to realize the beauty and the happiness that was already there. I was blinded by my thoughts that were fogged up by the noise from modern society. It was hard to see for many years, but it has become clearer and clearer to me the more I continue on. I understand a better picture of who I am, the life I live. I cannot go into deep details of the path since it would be too long, as this is just a small snippet of my truths. I want to continue to live a grateful and abundant life with a few loving people along with my new found perspective on life. I want to continue my re-found passions on the person I am by myself and thus re-give my love back into my community when the opportunities arise for me. Now I haven’t found the key or answer to life, but I will continue to live my life seeking more truths that bring me fruition and true happiness. The great paradox truth is that I am alone now all the time, but I am not lonely.
“Alone is the absence of people … Lonely is the absence of purpose …”
May you find the happiness cultivating in yourself everyday, sending you all my eternal love and compassion.
Cindy
therewillbebread 