Goodbye

No matter how many questions I ask, no matter how many times I go over it in my head, how many times I explain why my relationship didn’t work, I’ll never really quite understand why. I can go and bother my ex-boyfriend as much as I want but no matter how many times he’ll tell me the reason, I’ll never find the justification. I’ll never find the truth from all the lies he told me in the end. The heartache I went through because he liked another girl. Why? There just isn’t a reason why. No matter how many times I get the same answer, it just makes me realize some things just weren’t meant to be. During a stage where people aren’t looking for commitment anyway, the glorious idea of having a long lasting relationship in teenage years is hard, almost impossible. I don’t believe that things happen in the wrong time. My relationship didn’t happen in a bad time, it happened during the time it was supposed to. I’m kind of glad it ended now because now I can focus on other things like college, prepping for a new stage of my life.I mean I’d rather mope when I have no responsibilities compared to when I will. He was right, he was going to be busy but so was I.

But in all honesty, I tried so hard to save it but once someone gives up, there’s not use trying to salvage the memories. The lost promises were broken along with my dreams. I cried for a week, a whole 7 days, on the subject. Sometimes I tell myself I’m okay, and sometimes I break down. I hope he’s happy with his new friends. I hope he’s happy with the girl he cheated on me with. I hope they’re happy together because obviously I couldn’t make him happy no matter how much I tried.

I don’t blame myself (but of course there were things that I did in the relationship that I could’ve worked on). I can’t hate on myself because I tried to reason. I tried to see it from a different perspective. But in the end, trying to convince otherwise wasn’t an option I should have gone for. The last day we talked, he gave me the same reason during day 2 of our breakup. But truthfully, I don’t get what we did wrong. I personally don’t think we did anything wrong. Things just don’t work out and as awful as it is(almost as much as cheating), it happens. His reasons were reasons but in my opinion, they weren’t the right reasons. I was so angry that I went to a friend’s house and hit him with a pillow although he didn’t do anything to me. Quite honestly, though, I wasn’t even angry. I already rationed out everything that had happened, I just wasn’t happy with the outcome. I’ll miss the companionship because just knowing there was someone who was committed to you is different than a best friend, there’s a different feeling. I hope he’s happy with his choice because I did everything out of love. I loved him for who he was. No matter how annoying I got, it was only because I cared about him so much. No matter what he says about my feelings, I know how I feel. And I felt a deep connection whether or not it was infatuation or otherwise. I know I’ll find someone else, despite how perfect I thought my ex-boyfriend was, I’ll find someone who keeps my promises, someone who treats me right. I don’t know when acceptance will happen or when I’ll feel comfortable enough not to cry about trying to meet new people, especially guys. But it’ll happen and I’ll be so happy that I found someone better. Someone who knows how to treat a girl right.

I hope he has someone to talk to, maybe even the girl he liked while he was supposed to like me. Because I found love and acceptance in my friends. Support that has really helped me. From waking up in 4 in the morning and having someone there for me was so
comforting. To know that these people were always more supportive than my ex-boyfriend means a lot. But it still doesn’t fill the hole in my heart. It’s not something mean or rude that my friends don’t do enough, but sometimes when I cry, I just want the comfort of his arms around me. I know how much he liked hugging me so I hope that he’ll find another girl to hold. I hope he realizes the mistakes he made in our relationship and doesn’t make the same mistake again(because honestly, I think I am a GREAT girlfriend). I don’t want to point fingers because that’s mean and ends things on a bad note, but he made some terrible choices in the end. I hope he can realize that as much as you pray to God, you can’t change what you’ve done. Sometimes you need to accept the truth and continue on. And that’s what I’ll do, accept the truth that my relationship didn’t work, and might not ever work ever again despite what we spoke about, but I will move on.

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